(for those who struggle with irony, this is NOT meant to be taken seriously)
You know what I love the most about spending time in nature?
It gives me a good excuse to go to my local upscale outdoors shop (Le Vieux Campeur, REI, etc) and spend a bunch of money on high-tech manufactured goods.
It’s not enjoying nature if I just go for a walk in the woods near my house. Yes, sometimes I’ll run into a deer or something, but what I’m really looking for is something like going skiing. I get to buy ski boots and skis and a jacket and helmet and googles and gloves, all of which are made on the Asian continent and shipped halfway across the world in a container ship. Sometimes, I’ll take my car out to the mall to get my outdoor gear, other times I’m happier getting it shipped directly to my house. Then I get to buy a book telling me which parts of the nature I should be enjoying, because just randomly wandering around the woods is BORING. How can I enjoy myself if I’m not doing something that literally would not have been possible without advances in industrial technology that only happened in the last 150 years or so? Forget getting lost in the woods, what I'm looking for is Disneyland minus the central heating. That's why I like skiing. I ride the mecanical lift to the top of the mountain, and then I ski down the designated ski slope. Every single part of my journey is carefully prepared for me by other humans, made solely for the purpose of my enjoyment. I'll commemorate this lovely moment by taking a few pictures with my iPhone, to post on the internet afterwards. If that isn't reconnecting with nature, I don't know what is.
Or hiking. You really think I’m going to be satisfied just walking around a quiet country lake wearing comfortable sneakers? Of course not! I need an excuse to break out my shiny new hiking boots and my fancy aluminum walking sticks and my ultralight 50L extreme outdoor backpack made especially for extreme outdoor enjoyers like myself! And it’s got to be someplace I have to drive out to. The woods near my house? BORING.
Maybe I’ll take my new electric mountain bike out for a spin, that could be fun. Or BASE jumping, I’ve been meaning to try BASE jumping.
You know what pisses me off though?
Global warming. Those dirty immigrants with their digusting Nike shoes and their stupid football jerseys eating their filthy kebabs, don't they know meat is bad? They’re melting the snow at my alpine chalet! How can I comfortably wear my new Patagonia jacket if it’s not even cold outside anymore?
Speaking of Patagonia, my brother and his girlfriend are flying out there to go hiking there next month, maybe I’ll hop on a plane and join them.
(this part is actually sincere)
I believe that the human psyche has an innate need to experience beauty and wonder. This is why we have music and art and poetry and tantric sex and rock climbing and skiing and film and fashion and BDSM and perfume and yoga and meditation and fancy gastronomic restaurants and alcohol and ketamine and all the other recreational chemicals. It’s why I write.
This is why I think educated rich people who die in rock climbing accidents are actually extremely similar to homeless beggars overdosing on heroin or cocaine. Both tried to meet their need for beauty doing something dangerous, and lost their lives doing so.